I’m sitting here wondering if I should really even make this post. It’s one that could be taken in so many different ways and it’s not one I want people taking the wrong thing from.
I feel like I should explain my absence, if not for anyone’s sake but my own. I’ve said before that writing helps me sort through things and I wrote a TON in high school when I was dealing with stupid boy drama. So I’m praying this will be a sort of therapy for me.
Perhaps it’s the weather, perhaps it’s hormones or perhaps it’s giving too much thought to the past and not focusing on the now – whatever it is, I’m not me. I haven’t been me for months. It’s gotten to the point where things I really used to enjoy doing, I don’t enjoy doing anymore. (Blogging to name one) I avoid leaving the house if at all possible and dread doing things I absolutely have to leave the house to do.
My friends like to get together every Friday to scrap and I keep coming up with excuses not to go and am thankful when there’s a real reason I can’t be there. It’s crazy. They are some of my best friends and I am doing my best to avoid them.
It’s started to interfere with church attendance. Church is honestly the last place I want to be lately. During Sacrament Meeting I feel like everyone’s watching how unbehaved my children like to be. I feel uplifted when I’m teaching the kids in Sunday School, but only sort of. I love when the kids will interact, but when they don’t – well my head starts running away with me and I start wondering what the kids are thinking. I dread Relief Society. It’s been a couple months where I honestly sit by myself. I’ve been in this ward for 8 years and I’m sitting by myself like I’m new or something. Add in the fact that church is now at 9 in the morning and there are times I just really don’t have it in me to wake up at the crack of dawn and get 7 people ready.
I’ve been super short with my husband and my kids. I’ve been really bad at feeling resentment for all the things I have to do to keep this house running. I just want to stay in bed all day and pretty much do nothing else.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I’ve been wronged in the past and because I don’t know how to get over it, I just dwell on it and feel everything I felt when it first happened.
Then comes the kids…I can’t go a day without feeling like I messed up in some way. I either yelled to much or didn’t listen to a child close enough. I was too self-centered to really pay attention to what was going on. I feel too much pressure to be the perfect parent that I get over-stressed and freeze. The world likes to tell me I’m a bad parent because my kids eat cereal every morning and not some wonderfully warm breakfast. I figure they are being fed and that’s all that matters, right? There are many times I give in too easily because I just don’t have the strength to fight with my child. I’m aware of it, so really you don’t need to drill it into my head. Believe me, I remind myself of it daily. Perhaps by the time Jace is 20, I will have learned how to become the PERFECT parent. Probably not.
Then we get back to the weight. Why does my weight have to play such a crucial part in the way I see myself? I don’t know. It does though. I was with my Mother in Law at a store one day and my Mom happened to be shopping in the same store. We ran into each other and my moms were chatting with each other and somehow the topic of weight came up. They started discussing what they weighed in high school and when they got married. Even at my lightest I was never as small as either of them. Yeah, that sucks. Why am I stuck on that? I don’t know. Maybe because I feel like there’s no hope for me at all. I want to get back to that perfect number on the scale, but I’m kidding myself. It’ll never happen. So I sit and continue this self-loathing cycle that does no one any good.
It doesn’t help that I keep having recurring pain in my abdomen and side that can’t be explained. We just keep spending hundreds of dollars just to hear that everything looks normal. Well, if everything WAS normal, I wouldn’t be in pain now, would I?
My poor husband. Ay yi yi. I can’t even express how rotten and mean I’ve been to him lately. He has really been amazing. He’s got so much weight on his shoulders at the moment and I just like to add to it. He honestly can’t say anything to me lately without me taking it that I’m failing and that I can’t do anything right by him either. He’s trying to take in stride and knows I’m in a dark place, but it’s definitely taking it’s toll.
So yeah, I’ve been and am still feeling really depressed and it’s amazing I’ve accomplished anything lately. Anything that has been done lately has been because it HAD to be done for one reason or another. Which brings me back to the blog. The last real post I made was back in November….which meant I had 3 months worth of stuff to catch up on – including December which is quite possibly the busiest month ever, and I just didn’t feel like doing it. It’s a lot of work to edit all the pictures.
But, part of my personality likes having an order to things and I hate when things are missing – so I had to get this blog updated. It meant not editing the photos like I usually do, but I’ll feel better having it done. I’m hoping to get these posts up within the next couple of days and if you enjoy reading, there won’t be a shortage. I have all the pictures ready to go, just have to upload them and get things written out. So it’ll take awhile.
I’m slowly starting to feel more like myself, but there’s definitely a long road ahead. A lot of issues I need to start facing instead of escaping from.