Anyway, we were camping all weekend – so I wasn’t able to blog. You know there’s no electricity in the mountains! And we camp for reals – no campers for us. And yes I’ll post about that in a few days as well as Tanis’ birthday. But for now we’ll stick with the TRUTH! (And again, I’ll post in the order of most recent to oldest…)
DAY 12: SOMETHING YOU HOPE TO CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF AND WHY
I really would like to have a better self-esteem. I beat myself up everyday in every possible way. I’m constantly down on myself. It doesn’t matter if I did x amount of things perfectly, but screwed up 1 other thing. I will concentrate on that bad thing and think of all the reasons that makes me a stupid, screwed-up failure.
I need to change this because it affects everything. It affects how I treat my children and my husband. It affects the way I view other people. God doesn’t make mistakes. Everyone is the person they are supposed to be. If my Heavenly Father loves me for the way I am, why shouldn’t I do the same?
I get told over and over again that my Heavenly Father knows me. And I truly believe that. I need to show him the love and give him the gratitude for making me who I am. The way I am now is throwing it all in his face and saying, “I don’t like how I came out….” I would be heart broken if any of my kids came to me and said something to that effect.
I remember a poster that hung on my friends family bathroom door and I posted it below. It’s something I need to always keep in mind!!!
DAY 11: SOMETHING ABOUT WHICH PEOPLE SEEM TO COMPLIMENT YOU
Since I was a little girl, I’ve always gotten compliments on my smile. Sometimes it seems crazy to me because I think I smile way too big! Eric’s actually put the best way. He says that with posed pictures I do tend to smile to big, but when I smile in life just going about my way – it’s cute.
DAY 10: SOMETHING AT WHICH YOU’VE BEEN THE CHAMPION OR THE BEST
This one is difficult because there’s not a lot that I’ve done in my life where I could be considered a champion or even the best. However, one of the very first things in my life that I remembered being ‘chosen’ for something was when I was in 6th grade.
We had to write a poem for some sort of assignment. I was new to the whole writing process, so after writing it all out and how I wanted to say things – I went to my mom for help. With her help I finished the poem and turned it in.
A few months later (during summertime I believe) I got a phone call from a teacher at the school. (My 5th grade teacher, actually) He asked me to meet him at the school and so we went. He told me that because of the poem I wrote, I was selected to go to the District Writing Festival! It was an awesome festival and I had so much fun listening to authors and hearing peers writing. I am sharing the poem with you below. (Remember, I wrote it in 6th grade and it was my very 1st one.)
DEATH OF A BEST FRIEND
You always said, “Don’t worry”
When I was in a jam.
You always said, “Don’t freak out,
It’s just my brother, Sam.”
You always told me, “Look out!”
When a car came whizzing by.
You always said, “Shoo”
To each bothersome ol’ fly.
We had fun while dancing,
And doing the “monster mash.”
Together we got our homework done
In what seemed like just a flash.
And when you had to go away
I did not understand.
Heaven seemed so far away,
A long and distant land.
One day I saw a rainbow,
As beautiful as you.
Reminding me of friendship,
The kind we always knew.
DAY 9: YOUR VIEWS ON ALCOHOL/DRUGS
I’m going to make some enemies with this one I’m sure.
In short alcohol/drug are just dangerous. It’s that simple. Because they are so addictive it can be scary. You don’t always know what will be enough or where that line is. It can ruin lives and not even the lives of those directly involved. A lot of times there is more pain for the family watching from the sidelines not quite sure what to do.
Eric’s brother has gone the rounds with alcohol. For a long while it was hidden from the family really well. We all kinda figured he drank in social situations, but we never imagined just how bad alcohol had a hold on him. His love of the drink helped ruin his marriage. From my understanding Eric’s brother drinks when depressed to ease the pain. And the poor guy has been through a lot! We all understand the reasons for his depression, but we don’t know how to get him to see the good in life.
He’s been through rehab a few times. Eric’s parents have tried and tried to help him out, but finally just hit their point. They just couldn’t do it anymore!
We’ve seen the changes that alcohol plays in his personality. As a sober guy, Greg is awesome and fun and so creative. As a drunk – he is rude and mean. There was one time he came to our home for a party. It was shortly after Nathaniel was born and I never realized Greg was drunk. But during the whole night he kept asking me when I was going to pop out another one. It wasn’t until later that Eric told me he was drunk and then it made sense. It still hurt a heck of a lot, but I forgave him because I knew where it was coming from.
Another time he came to a birthday party. He seemed mostly with it – until something made him sad. I’m not exactly sure what happened, but he got up to leave and was disoriented and not sure where the front door was. That was scary to witness. Luckily the kids didn’t really realize what was going on.
I’ve also got a couple brothers who like the drink. They both live alternate lifestyles and that in itself has been something to deal with. But, the drinking has been difficult as well. More so for my parents than me as I’ve not witnessed either one of them drunk.
One brother lives in Wyoming, so there’s a lot of his life that we aren’t witnesses to. In some ways this is a blessing, in other ways it scares me. The other brother still lives with my parents. My sister told me he came home one day and couldn’t walk straight and was crashing into walls and everything. It was late enough at night that everyone was asleep, but when he got home – he woke everyone up. With this brother it amazes us that he would drink past his point. He’s got a brain on him like no other – you’d think with all the information on how dangerous drinking is, he’d get a clue.
I get that people drink for fun – whatever floats your boat – and for the most part they can keep control of themselves. I just think it’s a dangerous situation to even put yourself in.
Now for the drug side. I really haven’t been a witness to druggies. But I’ve heard lots of stories. I won’t deal with the street drugs because we all know how dangerous they are. But I will get into medicinal drugs a bit.
I think doctors need to take a step back before prescribing some drugs to people. For instance: after the birth of Ailey my doctor prescribed Percocet for me to help with the pain. For the first day or two I didn’t feel it necessary to take it and went about my business. Then one day I felt like I needed a bit more pain relief and took this drug.
I immediately got light headed, dizzy and just felt funny. Luckily, my mother in law was here with me and even saw that I was acting funny and told me to go to bed. I fell asleep in no time and awoke 3 or 4 hours later to Ailey crying.
Ailey was being taken care of. Eric was home and his mom was still here, but I felt hopeless and that I had done a horrible thing. It was scary enough for me that I never took one of those pills again.
I love my doctor, but I think they need to consider their patients medical history a bit more. I float within 2 minutes with the laughing gas at the dentist’s office. I’m not even a fan of taking Tylenol or Ibruprofen for headaches. Eric tells me to all the time, but I don’t want to become dependant on something like that anytime I feel a little pain. I’m just not big on using drugs to overcome pain.
So to make an already long story short – my thoughts on drugs/alcohol = DANGEROUS.
DAY 8: SOMEONE WHO MADE YOUR LIFE DIFFICULT
In the neighborhood that I grew up in, most of the kids my age were boys. There were about 4 or 5 of us girls all around the same age. A couple girls had started to move out and into other neighborhoods, so we didn’t hang out as much. There were 3 of us that were together quite often though.
S, B and I all lived on the same street. We tried to play together and sometimes it worked out, other times it didn’t work out so well. B was kind of THE girl to play with. S and I always wanted to play with her and we rarely played with each other. Because S & B were allowed to play on Sundays and other times when I wasn’t, they were together a lot more often.
It was interesting because I could play with S alone and we got along just fine. I could play with B alone and we got along just fine. You threw all three of us together and most of the time it led to trouble and that trouble usually meant I was being picked on.
I remember walking home from school one day and both S & B had ‘churchy’ shoes on. For whatever reason they decided to kick me the whole way home. It made me sad and it’s crazy that I still remember something like that. Years later while we were in High School we went to Youth Conference. We were all on the water weinie and they were all saying, “When we go over this next wave, let’s life our arms up.”
I did, they didn’t. That meant I fell into the water and then got stuck under the water weinie. I didn’t swim and I couldn’t get out from under the stupid thing. Somehow, I finally did – but I was extremely upset and didn’t get back in the water again.
So yes, for whatever reason S decided to play mean. I don’t think B ever came up with the ideas on her own (She could’ve), and I think she was just a follower. But S made my life quite miserable at times growing up.
Thankfully, we’ve all grown up now and we can talk to each other civilly. And they probably don’t even remember half of what I remember. I’m also above dwelling about it and trying to make her life as bad as my childhood was. In fact she’s going through a really hard time in her life right now and all I want to do is give her a hug and tell her it’ll all work out in the end. My heart aches for what she’s going through. No one deserves it.